scribbles on notebooks.

Do you ever find yourself sitting in class thinking about nothing and finding that u have been drawing little scribbles and hearts on your paper subconsciously? thats when you realise you have just spent that whole time only thinking about one thing, one person. it happens to me all the time. lately, it has been over the wrong person, wrong because im thinking about the wrong person, right because it seems right.. it seems perfect.

things aren't what they appear to be, people aren't who they seem to be, we see people how we wan to see them, not how they really are. words don't always mean what they are suppose to, you can tell by the way a person looks at you when they say the words, the way their voice sounds and the way they touch you. but words are just words, sometimes words that are suppose to make you so happy, can do the complete opposite.

when someone says to you 'im trying to make time for you' and goes out with their mates the next afternoon, its bullshit, believe me, i'd know. and you believe them still, because you dont want to give up on them, because you cant. even though you know you should. it seems like the easiest way to get out, to leave it all behind. still you can't give up because when you actually get the chance to be with that person, everything is how its suppose to be, everything seems perfect. even though your friends tell you that there is someone else there for you, and you know in the back of your mind they are right, and you know you want them, or are you happy the way things are?

why can't everyone's love life be like in the movies. you find someone, you instantly fall in love, your inseperable and thats it. maybe u get seperated for a while, but you alwways come back to eachother.

"if your a bird, im a bird"

as simple as that.

"Love is patient, love is kind.It does not envy, it does not boast,it is not proud.It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts,always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails."
-The Bible: 1 Corinthians 13:4

now parts of this may be true, love does not boast, it isn't proud but how can a feeling do such things? it is not love itself, but it is how a person loves that makes all other aspects of this poem untrue. we seek to find love, we hope to find it, we get easily angered (i do anyway), some keep records of wrong, how can a person love you if they have done so much wrong? we always hope things will go right, that our love, the one we love does not fail us, but we can only hope.

i think love was meant to be complicated. to make sure we end up with the right person. if we arent with the right person, things go wrong,thats what it feels like. prince charming will come along soon enough.

the worst part of this situation is, i don't want to let go, i can't let go. even though he is so wrong for me, unhealthy for me even. why do women feel love to a stronger extent? why do we have to go through so much pain, and guys don't look like they feel a thing.
"i love you"
"i love you too"
"no you don't, not like i love you"
believe it or not the first person to say that was a boy, but should i believe it? why am i trying to convince myself to? why cant i believe it?

im not sure that i want to anymore.
i need time away,
in the words of pink
"go away, give me a chance to miss you,
say goodbye, it will make me want to kiss you"
hopefully time away works.

fuck being in love.