MAJORITY OF THE TIME

okay so its been a while again, but ive been happy, had nothing to complain about.
new friends, they brighten my day, make life so much easier up here.
new boyfriend, who majority of the time is great.
he is perfect, majority of the time.

so he can do what he wants, have a boys night whenever he wants, gets what he wants, id do anything for him, why cant he match it all the timeeE?

why is it that when he first see's me it takes him minutes to say hello instead of it being the first thing he does? why does he have to be so cocky and assume he gets every little thing that he wantss? what have i been doing wrong, nothing!!!!

but he has to be a J-E-R-K.

GAH FUCK IT.

happy as larry

hello.
so its been like two weeks i know, im shit at keeping this up, but i havnt had alot of time lately.
ive been heaps busy with school and shit. and finally i met a boy, who i think im falling in love with.

you know when you meet someone who immediately puts a smile on your face?
well thats him, he makes me so happy, and actually cares about me and shows it.
im with someone new, but it feels like i have known him for my whole life. he knows my story, and i know his. i care about him so much, all the little things he does just to make sure im happy, make him the best person i know.
he is incredible.

so i was'nt single for long, and of course the ex skitzed it and now pretty much hates me, which is okay because he is a fucking gronk anyway.

ive been partying heaps latelyy, which is a major plus.
met heaps of new really cool people and been really really happy!

well theres not much else to tell.'

boys, boys, boys

hello,
long time no chat, sorry about that..
whats been happening in my life latelyyy?/
well of course there are more boy troubles, they just keep getting worse and worse.
i broke up with my boyfriend, finally, but only for about 5 hourss!! he cried, i gave him one more chance, he knows that if he doesn't change shit by the end of the month, thats it.
he was meant to be at my house by now, still not here.. maybe hes still on his way back from tafe, i don't know, but i not calling him, if he isn't here by 5, i give up, cos that is fucked.

******, hes a new complication hahah,
hes great, he knows more about me in 2 weeks then my actual boyfriend knows about me in 3 months!! ive also spent more time with him in the past 5 days than i have with my boyfriend in 3 or 4 weeks, wtff?
hes great but, romantic, extrememly cute, and very charming, and he has a carr!!
but not now mary, i have to stop myselff!!

school, first week back, is... SHIT.
of course, i already have about 4 assignments!!
im missing sydney heapsss and heapss!! nina called me the other day, first time i have talked to her in about a month, maybe a bit longerr!! i miss her alot!

i know everyone has problems, and im always gonna be there for my friends who need me, whenever they need me, but does sadness need to be around at all times? don't we make you happy enough? it is somewhat a reflection on us, as if to say we cannot help you, or make you the least bit happy, whenever you need to be lifted up.

my photo is in the courier, it is horrible. i look like a spastic, and sound like a superficial BITCH!.
its so embarassing, and the photo is huge!!!!

anywayy, gonna go do my hairrr..

complications

complications come with everything.
why does it have to happen? why does everything need to be hard?

love, is a complication in itself.
i know i have talked about this before, but well i don't think i will ever fully understand it.
a guy wants sex as much as he wants right? well why can't they just commit to a relationship, and try hard for it? i mean they have someone to talk to and be with whenever they want (and they probably dont want but whateverr) and at some point in the relationship, they can have as much sex as they wantt! fuckin hell.

why do chicks have to feel emotions to a larger extent to guyss?
why do we have to go through all the physical and emotional pain?
if life was like it is in the movies everything would work out, everyone would find someone and instantly fall in love,and thats it. end of story, everyone would live happily ever after.

commitment sucks.

on a new topic, holidays have been oretty sucky too.
shit all has happened, there has been nothing to do at all.
i havn't been drunk in like two whole months, what kind of crazy shit is that.
assignmesnts suck too, so many to do, one due on monday that i havn't even startedd!
school on monday, dreading it!
i kind of wish i was on camp.

got photos from sydney developed, fuck im missing it there heapss!
being bored out of my brains doesn't help!
i plan on tanning soon, getting some colour, im getting pasty, well for me anyway haha.

thats all for now.

im just not that into you.. i dont think.

Okay, so i get that love is probably suppose to be compicated and all that, but its bullshit.



baby did a bad bad thingg..

i wont say what in case a particular someone by some crazy chance see's this.

but u get the gist of it.



things were going good, i actually missed him, the he had to go and fuck up again didn't he.

had to be rude, had to refuse to meet my dad, had to do the same old shit again.

then there was silence. and it not so much scares me, but worries me, i don't want to loose him, but im not sure if i want to stay with him, what am i going to?



"i don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence, the quiet scares me cos it screams the truth".



then theres the other one, who is still so lovely, and our very complicated relationship has only gotten better. but hes got me and another girl to think about, which doesn't bother me at all cos of course i have guy number 1 to think about.

okay i sound like a bit of a skank, but for those of you who know me, you know im not, but things are very complicated at the moment and i have no idea what to do.



does it ever feel like things are just going around and around in a circle?

i know bad metaphor but whatever. its just like im doing the same thing everyday,

and nothing is coming from it.



im missing sydney alot at this current time. ive got alot of time to think about everyone seeing as im on holidays, and there is absoulutely nothing to do during the day. nothing exciting anyways.



"life is like a slide show and all the places i got, and all the things that i know, through all the highs and lows. cause life is like a slide show, and all the things that i've seen and all the things that i dream, you can't take away from me, cause life is like a slide show".



Imagine if you could have your whole life put infront of you. everything you have been through, everything you have seen, everything you have done, everyone you have done, every memory you have ever enjoyed and hated and all the things we have coming for us, waiting. would it really change who we are knowing what we have in store for us?



maybe it would be a good thing, like it would ensure us that in the end everything will be okay, that everything does happen for a reason, that we aren't alive for nothing, that all the sadness and confusion that come with life all makes sense in the end. of course its meant to, but why can't we know our path before we go through it?



cigarettes. i need to quit them, its extremely hard.

extremelyy.

and i need to exercise more.



i love lyrics. iv'e been listening to msic alot lately, i don't think i could actually live without music.

its like a place to go when u feel like crap, or your just really bored, or in a really happy crazy mood, any mood, music can uplift you. and bring back memories, good and bad, but in the end, you always feel better, i think thats why singers are singers.



smiles all around.

the hangover tomorrow. yewwww.

back in north havenn

so i am back in north haven,

i was home, now i am here.

being back felt so amazing, nothing has changed, if anything

they have gotten better then when i left.

i had so much fun, i was like a little kid in a candy shop,

and i was sober, the whole time, except for the 2 pills haha,

but in my defense one of them didnt work, and the other one was only mediocre.

i was so sad to leave, i spent last night crying and missing everyone

sad i know. but i couldn't stop, they were just rushing out!!!

now im back i have alot to think about.

school work, so not looking forward to all my assignments.

boy troubles, what should i do?

he got me a present, dont know what it is yet.

have things changed, not so sure

do i still have feelings for the other one, YES.

its inevitable.

running into an old love changed me look on the whole thing.

iggy and i, everyone knows the story, old news, new drama all the time hahaha

but we are good friends, which is gooood.

anywhoooo, thats all for now..

arriving in sydneyy

brought the most amazing feeling of happiness and excitement ever!
as soon as i saw all the building i couldnt help but smile, and laugh!

it feels so so good to be back home!
seeing all of my bestfriends and hanging out with them,
it feels like i never left!!!

cant wait to get maggggot!!!
not really much to tell as of yet,
but there will be many stories by the end of the week im suree!!!

what i forgot to ention earlierr

is that
i dont think i can be with someone who i dont even know.
i am so different to him, we lead 2 completely different lives.
i have met his family and his friends, but he has not yet met mine.
what should i do? im not even sure that i want him to meet them
will he make a good impression, will they like him, do i even like him?
im not too sure anymore,
i dont want to give up on him though, its not time, he loves me i know it.
why cant he show me in ways that would make me know it?
instead of just cruising by, not caring.
that is all i need, him to be with me, be here for me.
i find it so hard to smile, even when im around them now.


how can the other one just sign into msn and i instantly smile?
it just happened...
maybe its meant to be , maybe not. who know.
thats what he thinks, and i kinda do too..
only time will tell, fucking time.

'make that change'.

i think your really mean!

smile for the papparazzi.
smile for photo booth
smile because you can.

i smiled alot today, because behind all the stress, confusion, sadness, and reality i am happpy.
although sometimes quietness takes over me and i am quiet.
i listen to music and i cannot talk because it is not time for talk.

time goes fast, it fly's by. talking makes that time go faster
not talking slows it down, and thats what i need, to slow down.
just let time stop for a moment.
that is why i sleep, to make time stop, i dont know time is moving, so it isnt.

how can one person make you so happy when you are around them, and so un happy when you arent?how is it that i have met someone i can be completely myself with too late?
why must every decision be permanant, why cant we change our minds in betweeen?
like if it is a bad choice, a mis print, no problem, backspace, just like a key board.

i feel so comfortable in the arms of someone i barely know. like i had held him so many times before. i got butterflies and started blushing when he got close to my face, that i fit perfectly around, that makes me feel so warm inside and out. and i cant do anything about it. i have options, i have choices, but what will i choose to do, why do i have to choose?
i need time to think, very carefullly. hard.

time away is good, a break.
a break to see everyone i love so so much.
a break to get smashed and have a fuckin hectic time!
back to my old hangouts, and drunkeness!!
yewwwwwww.

i love tim and his car.
best ever!!

thats all for today.

this day last year and the year before use use to be revolved around one person, its funny how now, i just remember and say happy birthday and go on my day just like any other thinking about stupid things and worrying too much.

have i fallen in love again? or am i just punishing myself?
have i ever really been in love? or is just what i think love is?
should i keep going doing what i am doing or should i just stop?

"with you, i can let my hair down i can say anything crazy, i know you'll catch me right before i hit the ground. with nothing but a t-shirt on, i never felt so beautiful, baby as i do now, now that im with you."

i havnt had a cigarette in 24 hours, i ran out. and i really fucking need one.
school is the usual, cold, boring, repetitive, un needed.
the afternoon is the same, i looked for someone, they werent there
i called someone, they were with their mates, again, surprise.. not.

id like to be in a story. a made up charachter.
who has adventures through her life.
and a happy ending.
but those stories are made up. they arent real. not the happy ones anyway.
notice how every protagonist in a story is backgrounded by some sort of pain or curse,
they cant be completely and utterly happy because of something that has happened to them.
maybe they don't always get it all wrong, why cant people just be happy. why does something have to be wrong? why does everyone have to go through pain if we are just going to die in the end?

even the best of people will die, michael jackson for example. he tried so hard to make a change in the world, and now he is gone, at fifty. he made so many people happy with his music and this is how he is repaid. and lucy, such a beautiful girl, who made everyone smile, and she didn't even get to live her life. rest in paradise, i love you.

"where there is love, i'll be there"

i want to be loved unconditionallly. i want to be surrounded by people who love me, and people that i love. the people i need in my life, in one place, perfect happiness for the rest of my life.
it would be great if we could wish hard enough for something and it would come true just like that.

i know who will be in my life for the rest of it. and those people know who they are, it seems like we have known eachother for so long, and it has only been a couple of years, but there are so many more to come. and recently i have been blessed with more of them. more people who i will never forget, and will have so many memories with, i just know it.

the future has been a big topic in the back of my mind alot recently. not just the near future, because i have a vaig idea what that will bring, although some things are still being decided. but the long term.
-what am i going to do once school is over?
-what do i want to be when i grow up?
-where am i going to live?
its all building up, and coming all so fast. and then it will all pass.quick.in the blink of an eye.

my story is being written as i type, as i brethe, as i sit here, as i think about everything, right now. its not perfect, but im happy. i could'nt ask for better friends, im not rich, but im not poor, im not famous, but im glad, i don't have the perfect life, but who does?
"gotta take the good with the bad, happy and the sad"
ups and downs, i'll get through it.
i would just like my happy ending, with all the inbetweens.

=)

scribbles on notebooks.

Do you ever find yourself sitting in class thinking about nothing and finding that u have been drawing little scribbles and hearts on your paper subconsciously? thats when you realise you have just spent that whole time only thinking about one thing, one person. it happens to me all the time. lately, it has been over the wrong person, wrong because im thinking about the wrong person, right because it seems right.. it seems perfect.

things aren't what they appear to be, people aren't who they seem to be, we see people how we wan to see them, not how they really are. words don't always mean what they are suppose to, you can tell by the way a person looks at you when they say the words, the way their voice sounds and the way they touch you. but words are just words, sometimes words that are suppose to make you so happy, can do the complete opposite.

when someone says to you 'im trying to make time for you' and goes out with their mates the next afternoon, its bullshit, believe me, i'd know. and you believe them still, because you dont want to give up on them, because you cant. even though you know you should. it seems like the easiest way to get out, to leave it all behind. still you can't give up because when you actually get the chance to be with that person, everything is how its suppose to be, everything seems perfect. even though your friends tell you that there is someone else there for you, and you know in the back of your mind they are right, and you know you want them, or are you happy the way things are?

why can't everyone's love life be like in the movies. you find someone, you instantly fall in love, your inseperable and thats it. maybe u get seperated for a while, but you alwways come back to eachother.

"if your a bird, im a bird"

as simple as that.

"Love is patient, love is kind.It does not envy, it does not boast,it is not proud.It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts,always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails."
-The Bible: 1 Corinthians 13:4

now parts of this may be true, love does not boast, it isn't proud but how can a feeling do such things? it is not love itself, but it is how a person loves that makes all other aspects of this poem untrue. we seek to find love, we hope to find it, we get easily angered (i do anyway), some keep records of wrong, how can a person love you if they have done so much wrong? we always hope things will go right, that our love, the one we love does not fail us, but we can only hope.

i think love was meant to be complicated. to make sure we end up with the right person. if we arent with the right person, things go wrong,thats what it feels like. prince charming will come along soon enough.

the worst part of this situation is, i don't want to let go, i can't let go. even though he is so wrong for me, unhealthy for me even. why do women feel love to a stronger extent? why do we have to go through so much pain, and guys don't look like they feel a thing.
"i love you"
"i love you too"
"no you don't, not like i love you"
believe it or not the first person to say that was a boy, but should i believe it? why am i trying to convince myself to? why cant i believe it?

im not sure that i want to anymore.
i need time away,
in the words of pink
"go away, give me a chance to miss you,
say goodbye, it will make me want to kiss you"
hopefully time away works.

fuck being in love.

diamonds on the floor

"I can't take no more, diamonds on the floor."

diamonds on the floor, thats been the story of the week.
it seems that everyone has been hit with nostalgia.
everyone at school, nostalgia and sickness.
the flu to be precise, my head is all stuffy, my nose and ears are blocked
and i sound somewhat manly, its excrutiating.

i cant waitt!! sydney soon, i cant wait to see the lovely faces that i have
only seen in photos for the past months, that seem to feel like years have passed.
all the faces of the kids from sydney, faces that were once so familiar to me and now have faded into defined blurs.
i use to see you everyday, and now i will only get the chance to see you every 2 or 3 months.
perhaps it will make the visits more meaningful and special, maybe i will notice all the little lines that make your faces, all the little parts of your personalities that have formed while i have been gone, or that were there, but i was to out of it to notice.
i will not take our new moments together for granted, i will enjoy every moment with the kids from sydney, i will cherish the moments.


i must sound like the biggest sap, but i never realised how hard it would be to actually leave sydney. i left all my friends, my family and seems like everything there.

t**** & w***, what am i going to do??
help.
please.

confusion is a bitch, men are confusing, therefore men are bitches.

i'd like to party every weekend. i'd like to put on a beautiful dress everyday. i'd like to wear heels every night. i'd like to be called beautiful at my worst. i'd like not to be judged. i want to be loved at every moment.

goodnight.

The fourth of July.

not a big deal reallly.
not here anyway.

so this week has'nt been terribly exciting.
not much actually happened.
except sam is a bitch.

it was friday night last night and i was going to go to the soccer with william, but it was too cold and windy. i really wanted to get drunk, either last night or tonight, oh well.
it turned out to be a very nice/interesting/tiring very early morning, why? cos of tyler.
whe your boyfriend gets into a fight and has mangled hands beause of it, dont try and help, its gross and he didnt even want to fix it, wtff? it was 2 in the morning and he woke me up and got me out of bed!!
fuck im tired.

AND I HAVE THE FUCKING FLU.
it better be gone sooon. i feel like shit.
im going to port tomorrow to watch transformers with will and quaid, it should be a fun day..

ive been without a hair straightner all week, and im surviving, but should really get it back soon.

" your voice was the sundtrack of my summer, do you know your unlike any other, you'll always be my thunder, and i said your eyes are the brightest of all the colours, i dont wanna ever love another, so bring on the rain, and bring on the thunder."

old song, old lyrics, new person, new meaning.
its weird yet lovely how theres always a song perfect for every mood and how you can always seem to relate songs to a person or people who are truely important to you.
how you can listen to a song and instantly feel lifted and amazingly happy when you actually feel like shit.

"i've been a victim of, a kind of selfish love"

im going to start taking my camera everywhere with me, photos are memories.
i need to remember every moment in my life.
i want to take a photo of tims car, it looks really vintage and cute.
tim is a legend, we are champs and legends!!
haha

EVERY ACTION HAS A REACTION..
Relations,Creation,Incarceration,Determination,Equation,Humiliation,Reincarnation,
Situation,Elation,Identification,Retaliation,Education,No substitution,Solution,Conclusion,Inspiration is what pulls you through.

i miss sydney.
i miss you.
all of you.
see you
soon.

my first blog entry

okay this is my first blog entry, and im not sure if im gonna keep going with it, but hopefully i do. its just to let people in sydney know whats goin on in north haven, it doesnt feel like home yet, but i dont think it ever will =(. ive been getting the biggest hits of nostalgia lately, i miss everyone in sydney so muchh!!



okay lets start with school, the upside is that its co-ed and there is a very large bunch of incredibly hot guys, the downside, its shit. school is soo boring, i have so many assesments, its ridiculous! ive made a couple of good friends tim, shan, renii, will, riannen .



then theres tyler, i met him up here and hes now my boyfriend, hes great..most of the time. he just turned 18 which is good. ( dont have a photo of him yet, will get one shortly).



the party scene up here is not dead, but its nothing special. there is a party once a month or somethingg, although i have gotten completely trashed a few times, god i was messy!but they were fun times, apparently i walked into a moving car =S. i wish everyone from sydney could come up and party with mee!! it would be sickkk!



i miss the days everyone went down to bondi every friday and saturday night and just get trashedd!! and all the house parties, and clovelly parties and everything about sydneyy!! i miss all the times i had just sitting and talking with everyone and that i could say or do anything and be myself because it didnt matter. the photos we took are on my wall, and those memories will last forever.

hahah my dad got me one of those blnket robe things u wear backwards, its so warm!! its been freezing latelyy, too cold if you ask me. my attempt to quit smoking cigarettes failed completely. i lasted 4 days and within those days ( i was cutting down) i had like 6 cigarettes, which is actually pretty goood, but it wouldnt let me sleeep, so i failed. devvo, but not reallly.

sydney in 12 days, start the count downnn!!!

cant wait to catch up with everyone,

love maryyy x